Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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