What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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