I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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