I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
