haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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