life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
