Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
