my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i will never coherently bang her
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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