I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
