I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
