it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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