Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
