Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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