Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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