When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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