Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
