You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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