Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
