Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
