About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
