too bad you live with your parents still
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
