I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
