I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
