If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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