If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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