if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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