you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
