people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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