god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
