I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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