I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
