I feel like I'm in dance class right now
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
