Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
