I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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