I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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