I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
