and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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