Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
