I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
