If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
