If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
there is glitter all over my balls
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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