2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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