he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
