her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he puts the penis in happiness.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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