So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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