I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
