Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
