i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize