Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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