Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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