the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
