Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
