gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize