I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
