I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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