There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
