Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
its not stalking. its research.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
