Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
