I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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